ANGRY
“I messed it up.” I’m in the car, my head in my hands. Now that she’s gone, I can remember everything I wanted to say. All the romantic words I composed in my head, lying awake in Charlie’s spare room in the dark.
And I didn’t say any of them.
“I’m an idiot.” I aim a kick at the rucksack on the floor. “I’m a stupid, clumsy, embarrassing idiot.”
Charlie waits for me to stop talking.
“Are you done, Toph?” She takes her eyes off the road for a second to look at me. “Is that it? Or do you want to beat yourself up some more?”
I shrug, and sit back in my seat.
“Because from where I was sitting, it looked as if Nasrin was happy to see you.”
“You were watching?” I’m shouting now. I don’t want to shout at Charlie, but this is embarrassing.
She laughs. “Are you kidding? The most romantic thing that airport will see all day?” She smiles at me. “Of course I was watching, Toph. And you were great. I know she’s happy that you showed up.”
“I guess.”
“And you managed a very grown-up conversation with her dad.”
I stare at Charlie, her eyes fixed on the traffic in front of us. This is mortifying. “Are you scoring me, Auntie Charlie? Are you giving me feedback on my romantic gesture?”
It’s her turn to shrug.
“You did good, Toph. That’s all I’m saying. What you did was lovely, and thoughtful, and kind – and whatever you think, you didn’t screw it up.” She smiles. “I’m proud of you.”
I stare at her. This is none of her business. I can’t believe she watched me blunder my way through the most important conversation of my life. And she’s judging me. She must be comparing me to Rob – the world’s most romantic boyfriend. I don’t stand a chance against his devotion.
But then I realise that it could have been worse. It could have been Dad. At least Charlie understands what this means to me.
There’s anger building in my chest. Rage, at having to say goodbye. Frustration that I couldn’t say the words I wanted Nasrin to hear.
I want to find the thugs who burnt Nasrin’s house, and her father’s shop, and I want to hurt them. I want to show them that she’s important – that she’s better than they are. My fists are clenched in my lap, and I can feel my fingernails digging into my skin.
I’m crying again, in front of Charlie. I want to get out of the car. I want to run and hide. I don’t want her to see me like this. I’m behaving like a child, and I can’t stop myself. I’m screwing up, again.
I cover my face with my hands.
And Charlie lets me cry.
*****
“OK, Toph?”
The car is quiet. We turned off the road a while ago, and Charlie sat, one hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to calm down. The tears have stopped, and when I open my eyes, we’re parked outside a shopping centre.
“Buy you lunch?” She checks her watch. “Or breakfast?”
I force myself to smile.
“Breakfast sounds good.”
She pulls a packet of tissues and a bottle of water from the glove compartment, and I use them to wash my face. I flick the sun visor down and check my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and my skin is red and blotchy. I’m hardly romantic gesture material, and I don’t want to go out like this, but I’m hungry.
Outside the car I pull my hood up to hide my face, and Charlie leads the way to the food court.